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#152
Ellen Saunders
Participant

I’m taking this class at either a the very best time or the worst time possible, I’m not sure.

I’m having a hard time working through the readings, mostly because the writing style is driving me crazy (I’ll get there). I’m finding it a bit amusing how much this is the Great-great-grandpappy of all self-help books — just about all of those I’ve read (and I’ve read a lot) have at least a few of these precepts in some form.

The BASIC PROBLEM (to use his writing style) I’m having, is the issue I usually have with these kinds of books but multiplied by 100 right now. I don’t love myself. As a matter of fact there is a good chunk of me actively involved in self-loathing.

I’ve decided what it was I wanted to do with my life/what I was put here on earth to do/what I am best at and how to pursue it/etc. with every self-help book I’ve used. And I’ve made a plan. And I’ve started on it. And I’ve eventually failed in one way or another, either through self-sabotage, personal/family crisis, or depression. Crash and burn, rinse and repeat. And it comes back to I don’t trust myself or believe in myself enough to commit that 100 percent. The few times in my life I *have* done that were for other people — taking a family friend into my house when she needed hospice care, and caring for her until she died; taking care of my father after his stroke. Duty. Obligation. Doing the right thing because that’s what needed to be done; no question in my head or heart (although regrets for things I felt I did poorly). Nothing I’ve chosen to do professionally/in my writing has ever struck me quite the same.

Therapy (I’ve restarted) is likely to help me here but I feel stuck in many ways here in the class because while I can “act as if,” I honestly can’t get past step one in this process. I can see where I want to be in my writing but I need to take a month or two with each of these lessons, and maybe half a year with just the first one, if I’m going to make the bedrock changes in self and expect them to stick.

That’s probably all TMI, but I’m not seeing much conversation on the forum so I was wondering if I’m alone in this or if others are struggling.